Warren Horton
Riverside Press-Enterprise
Holy Jehoshaphat! What in tarnation is going on these days?
So many people are coming back and askin' questions 'bout the gunfighters and when are they gonna shoot someone and where is the marshal when he should be keepin' his eye out for the town drunk who seems to run around this quiet town all liquored up in his red long johns chasing that poor young saloon girl all over the street.
I just don't know what to think nowadays.
Last year all these people came into town and watched that poor old drunk with the excessive flatulence problem. It wasn't his fault, since he ate all that chili over at Miss Kittie's place.
God rest them poor souls what stood behind the drunk.
Then there are those two fools, God rest their souls, that couldn't figure out who was the fastest on slappin' leather. All they had to do was to shoot a little hole through that giant nickel, but then again smarts weren't in their vocabulary.
The town dun kept me busy last year with all them shootin's and the like, but then again, if they ain't a'shootin' each other, I'd be outta work.
Even the town Padre – that'd be me – gotta have some fun ever' now and then over to the local saloon and bath house.
Now I supposin' that the marshal knows exactly what he is a'doin'. Like the time them rowdy cowboys come inta town and tried to sell all them stolen cattle. They sassed him and cussed at him and just about spit in his eye, the eye without the patch on it, but the marshal, he dun stood his ground and let them cowboys git shot in the back like they deserved.
Made me a heap of money that day.
Well the word around town is that the shootin' is gonna start at 2:30 in tha afternoon Sunday on Mane Street. I guess I better go clean my preachin' duds and mark the pages in the Good Book for when I gotta convince those cowboys to behave. But I supposin' it is all worth it to help those that need our help from the folks that stop by to see the shootin' and hollerin' and donate somethin'.